When I Went Back to College, I Was Afraid

I was a mother of five when I decided to go back to college. I did not have every answer. I did not even know what I would study. I knew I was afraid, and I knew the desire to try again would not leave me alone.

I questioned whether I was smart enough, disciplined enough, or young enough. I worried about the cost and about what it would mean to fail. Still, I went to Essex County College and registered. Receiving my acceptance letter brought a joy I had not allowed myself to expect.

The classes challenged me. It had been more than twenty-five years since I had taken subjects like math, reading, and English in a classroom. I kept showing up through those first days, weeks, and months. My classmates were adults who, like me, were giving themselves another chance. We encouraged each other as we learned.

My children were proud of me. Their support mattered, especially on the mornings when doubt returned. I wanted them to see what trying again looked like. Every class became a way to trust YHWH and to trust myself a little more.

I tell this part of my story in Chapter 1 of Eyes Wide Shut, Wandering Awake because fear did not disappear before I took the first step. I took it while I was afraid. If you have been waiting until you feel completely ready, I hope my story makes room for your own new beginning.